Hiding behind a keyboard…

It’s kind of funny this whole blogging thing…

When I was younger I used to try so hard to be that girl that wrote in her diary every night and kept track of her life on the carefully lined pages of a Hello Kitty furry – yes furry, notebook – one that, remarkably is somehow still floating around my house. I still buy into the idea of keeping a diary. I buy into every little novelty notebook that offers me a chance to pour my heart onto it’s pages. I’ve found though, that unlike the beloved Bridget Jones, the only time I ever feel the need to write in said diary is when things aren’t going well.

When it comes to blogging, my approach is similar. I find it easiest to write when I’ve got a lot on my mind. It helps me to process all of my thoughts and get them in somewhat of an order, failing that, it forces me to at least address what’s going on as being real. If I had it my way, I would never have to talk about my feelings out loud, a feeling I’m sure is mutual with a lot of you out there.

The difference between writing your feelings down in a diary is that (hopefully) no one but you will read them but with a blog post you never know who is going to read it whether that’s your boss, former friends or even yourself cringing as you look back on your posts in later life. So why do I feel so much more comfortable confiding in the strangers of the internet than I do having to talk about my problems or feelings to my nearest and dearest? I think in someway it helps me to feel less embarrassed about being upset (not that I should be embarrassed). I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing me cry. I don’t have to worry about their reaction or seeing the look on their faces. It makes me feel a little less stupid and ironically, less vulnerable despite the fact that once published on the internet, things stick around for a long time.

I’m a big drunk texter, always have been and unfortunately something tells me I always will be. I’ll send my friends, boyfriend and sometimes family, soppy texts declaring my undying love to them, telling them how much they mean to me but in real life? There’s not a chance you will hear these words come out of my mouth. It’s not that I don’t mean it or that I’m one cold hearted little lady, we should all tell our friends and family we love them as much as possible and I truly wish I could but I’m just a very awkward millennial who would rather hide behind a keyboard than face up to reality.

The drunk texts aren’t just limited to letting friends and family know how much I appreciate them, they also open the flood gates to what’s really going on in my head and the truth about whatever state my mental health is in at that time. I feel I’m much better at explaining things on paper/keyboard than in person. In person I clam up, get awkward and everything either comes out all wrong or sounds insincere which isn’t the case. Hand me a pen and paper and you’ll have me at my most honest.

There’s very little I hate more than having to swallow my pride and admit that something is wrong or that I’m not ok. I psych the situation up in my head until it becomes a much bigger deal than it is – completely unnecessarily. I struggle to confide in most people and I think sometimes because of that, people misinterpret my life to be something it really isn’t but at the end of the day, that’s the picture I paint and let them believe. I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggles to confront their issues but I am the one sitting here advocating positive thinking and promoting how to deal with anxiety and currently, feeling a lot like a massive hypocrite. Can I be trusted to post such personal things publicly, unaware of who might stumble across it either now or in the future?

While it may seem ironic to be sitting here, having written posts about issues such as comparing ourselves to others and dealing with anxiety only to admit that I struggle to confront and deal with my own feelings, at the end of the day this blog is an extension of me and my life, a platform I’ve chosen to voice my feelings whether people listen or not. The vulnerable position that puts me in is all part of the package. Thankfully, I do have some amazing friends and family who know me well enough to know when they need to intervene and lend an ear, even if it takes them a while to get it out of me and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Photos by Kellie Scott

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Niamh ♥


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